tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32615821003390689032024-02-07T04:21:16.417-08:00The Inquiring MomSeeking answers (and God willing, finding some) to questions affecting parents, kids, and teachers, one baby step at a time.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-62042098168888570162015-03-05T22:58:00.003-08:002015-03-06T06:00:00.881-08:00Unexceptional Suffering and Extravagance<div class="MsoNormal">
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Here is the difficulty that I have with usual the usual arguments
that come up in (religious) people’s efforts to justify suffering in the world
in the light of a good God. They tend to act as if suffering were the
exception—a funny glitch in an otherwise calm and collected world—when it seems like
suffering is the rule (at least to me). I cannot treat the reality of suffering as an outlier in
the normal range of human experience. Yes, it is true that much suffering is
caused by human mistakes; yes, it is true that a great deal of pain is also
caused by natural and other events that God does not simply “cause.” But I believe in an
omnipotent, omniscient God. And while I understand the distinction between a God
who causes such things and one who simply allows them, that distinction is not
so very great in my personal experience and reasoning. My omniscient God <i>could</i> choose to alleviate that
suffering, and he does not. My God <i>could</i>
change the pattern of the seas and of depressed people’s brainwaves, but he
does not. Perhaps most significantly, my
God could have chosen to redeem the world through any means he wanted (he is
God!) and the way he <i>chose</i> was by
having his human son live 33 years on earth before suffering unimaginable
torments and being brutally executed before rising again. This was the way he
wanted things. That God—my God—may be a God I struggle to understand, but the
evidence suggests that suffering is mysteriously essential to his plan. Avoiding that fact is to miss something central to the structure of the
universe he created, and therefore prevents my understanding and knowing him better. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I don’t mean that God’s a glutton for punishment. He also
made a world that is undeniably, heart-breakingly beautiful and surprising, full
of deep pleasures and enduring attractions. I have a (scientist) friend who once
referred to the natural world as exhibiting signs of God’s extravagance. When I
consider the varieties of things and people in the world—the sheer number of
plants and animals (often of the same species!) it suggests to me that God
really is extravagant; he made a world full of dramatically different kinds of
things, because he likes it that way. Did we really need so many different colors and
sounds and tastes and sights in the world? So many powerfully beautiful places?
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Apparently, he thought we did, anyway, just as he and we (somehow) also need
to suffer in order to rise again. This is the paradox that
God-made-man recalls me to. A paradox that I ignore at my own peril, and whose
truth is strangely, movingly, satisfying. Because suffering opens me to an
experience of love---both giving and receiving—that somehow, I cannot have
without it. The more I live, the more I begin (tentatively, in baby steps) to recognize the possibility of loving that way as something satisfying in itself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As the character, “El Gallo” says in <i>The Fantasticks</i> (an off, off-Broadway musical I grew up with),<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="background: #FCFAE7; color: #333333; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There is a curious
paradox that no one can explain. / Who understands the secrets of the reaping
of the grain? / Who understands why spring is born out of winter's laboring
pain? / Or why we all must die a bit before we grow again? / I do not know the
answer / I merely know it's true / I hurt them for that reason / And myself a
little bit, too.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="background: #FCFAE7; color: #333333; font-family: "Verdana",sans-serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I leave you with the
musical’s most beautiful song, “They Were You.” The lead couple sing it to each other at the conclusion, but it's more. Like the incarnation, it's much more than a metaphor could ever, ever be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-58677161831215312732015-02-16T13:14:00.001-08:002015-02-16T13:14:30.455-08:00Tender Mercies and Necessary Suffering<div class="MsoNormal">
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So....back to theodicy and making sense of God’s ways. One of the best known examples
of the problem of suffering is that of Job. The book of Job is a rather
exceptional case in the Hebrew tradition, because a good man is not rewarded
for his goodness. Most of the books of what Christians call the Old Testament show
people who are rewarded for following faithfully. Job, instead, is tested. He
suffers—for no obvious reason—he’s clearly not being punished for any wrongdoing.
He is, and was a very good man. After a scene late in the book where he rails
against God, God challenges Job in a famous passage (Job 38):<o:p></o:p><br />
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<span class="text Job-38-2" id="en-NIV-13796" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; position: relative;">Who is this that obscures my plans<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-13796C" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-13796C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="text Job-38-2" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">with words without knowledge?<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-13796D" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-13796D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 0.625em; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span></span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><span class="text Job-38-3" id="en-NIV-13797" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px; position: relative;"><span class="versenum" style="box-sizing: border-box; display: block; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-weight: bold; left: -4.4em; line-height: 22px; position: absolute; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;">3 </span>Brace yourself like a man;</span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: monospace; font-size: 0.42em; line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Job-38-3" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">I will question you,</span></span><br style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;" /><span class="indent-1" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Verdana, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span class="text Job-38-3" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box; position: relative;">and you shall answer me.</span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Where were you when I laid the foundations of
the earth?</span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Tell</span></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background: white;"> </span></span><span class="text"><i style="box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="background: white;">Me,</span></i></span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="background: white;"> </span></span><span class="text"><span style="background: white;">if you have understanding.</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span id="en-NKJV-13799" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Who
determined its measurements?</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Surely you know!</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Or who stretched the line upon
it?</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span id="en-NKJV-13800" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">To what were
its foundations fastened?</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">Or who laid its cornerstone,</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span id="en-NKJV-13801" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">When the
morning stars sang together,</span></span></span><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />
<span class="text"><span style="background: white;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; box-sizing: border-box;">And all the sons of God
shouted for joy?</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This can be seen as God putting Job in his place…which
I suppose it is. But it’s also a reminder to Job that there are a great deal more
things in heaven and earth than in his philosophy; there is so much more than
his own suffering that is beyond his ability to understand. When Stephen Fry
makes bitter statements about God and God’s injustice, he does so from a
certain set of expectations (formed almost certainly by the Judeo-Christian
tradition which underpins Western Civilization). The idea that God is good may
be intuitive, but it isn’t inevitable. It is an idea which comes down to us most
vigorously through a specific tradition. Nature, on the other hand, always
seems both good and bad; rains come to both replenish and to flood; the wind is
powerful in ways we appreciate and in ways we don’t. We would never complain
that nature ‘wasn’t fair’ in the same (angry) way we say it about God—we don’t
expect true goodness from Nature. Why? Not all people have believed in good
gods either. Many people have had gods who were powerful; whom you needed
to appease, but how you did so was not always easy to understand, or through “moral”
ways. But we moderns—believers or not—expect our God to be up to our standards
of goodness. We expect him to understand what we mean by right and wrong, and
live up to our standards. But do *we* understand right and wrong?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's obvious how idiosyncratic we humans
are when it comes to ideas of justice. I remember joking with a colleague that
the question on student evaluations (of professors) that read “Instructor
grades fairly,” actually meant “Instructor did not give me or any close friends
a lower grade than I/she/he deserved.” When my children complain that something
isn’t fair, that means they wanted more and got less. I am the same way. We don’t
judge something as unfair when we get more than we deserve—that is not so
troubling. What troubles us is the pain of our longing for more. Is this really
only about justice? Or is it an idea of justice that really suggests something
greater? In Stephen Fry’s remarks, he spoke about sick children and other “unjust”
afflictions--unjust in that they did nothing bad to bring on their suffering.*
I am more selfish than Fry when I think about these things—I think about
myself, rather than unnamed victims. I have not suffered so very greatly in my
life in the global sense—I have not witnessed genocide, I have not been
sexually abused, I have not experienced a lifetime deprived of basic
necessities—and yet, I feel the suffering of injustice in my own ways, however
petty they may be. I want so much more out of life than what I have. My longing
is very real. To Fry, this disproportion between human desire and actual experience
reality is unacceptable. I get that, believe me: it feels unacceptable. But it’s
also, to me, deeply mysterious. Why should we feel this way? Why should we
expect so much from the world and life and when it doesn’t seem to deliver? Why
can’t we just resign ourselves to our lives being brutish, nasty, and way too
short?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Fry’s answer to this suffering is that there must
not be a God, because the world is too terrible. A God who wanted a world like
this must be too evil a creature to be worth bothering with. But this seems a
bit too neat to me. It’s a clean, cold, clinical answer to the rather messy
reality that is human life. What would Fry say to any friends whose lives were
riddled with unavoidable suffering (from disease, or heartbreak, or terrible
depression)? Are their lives worth living? How long do you give suffering
before it outweighs the possible future benefits of staying alive? A day? A
week? An hour? A year? How much suffering is too much? Is the only answer to
help those suffering to off themselves? What’s the point of living when you can’t
avoid suffering?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I think, in the end, that Fry assumes way too
many things. He assumes (without quite saying it) that he knows what life is
for—or at least, that it can’t really be for something he doesn’t understand.
In essence, like most of us moderns, he assumes that life is about pleasure and
success. Suffering is unacceptable because it is an obstacle to that pleasure
and success. But what if I turn the question on its head? What if I say that I don’t
know what life is for, really? What if I admit that, like Job, I wasn’t there
when the earth’s foundations were laid, and I don’t understand all the motion of
the universe. That in my bones, I feel like life must be for a satisfaction
that I don’t recognize fully as being a part of my life—but that I don’t really
get it? What if I take life’s evidence a step further and say that suffering—however
wrong, however “unnatural”—it seems to me, must be (in God’s view) something
really <i>important </i>to what life is for,
because life is riddled with it? Then what? Is the only option available to
conclude that God is a sick old man who wants us to be miserable?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t think so. There is another option. In the
words of Léon Bloy (quoted by Graham Greene at the beginning of his novel <i>The End of the Affair</i>), “Man has places
in his heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suffering, in order
that they may have existence.” God knows
us, and wants us to live and love in ways in which we are not yet capable. He
gives us suffering so that our hearts may expand in ways that our essential to
our happiness and our success. A happiness and success that we do not yet fully
grasp but that is real. As a Christian, this seems absolutely necessary if we
are to make any sense of Christ’s cross and resurrection. Only a God who saw
suffering in a very different way than we usually do could give us Jesus as an
answer, not as another problem.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m not saying I like it—or that I understand it
the way I’d like. It’s not a pretty option. But it holds the hope of being a deeply
beautiful one. There are moments when I see this; moments when I am suddenly,
unexpectedly, able to love my enemies or see someone else change dramatically.
Usually, that’s in the depths of terrible suffering—and an even greater love. But that is the God with whom my heart does battle, not the miserable man in whom Fry refuses to believe.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="text"><span style="background: white; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">* The suffering of children figures prominently
in Ivan Karamazov’s accusations as well in The Grand Inquisitor passage in The
Brothers Karamazov. The portrait he paints of innocent and sweet victims is
heartbreaking and his monk brother Alyosha has no answer that satisfied. Yet,
it is clear from the story that Alyosha’s answer is, in the final sense, truer
than Ivan’s. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-85610386778403081372015-02-09T13:08:00.001-08:002015-02-09T13:08:56.851-08:00The provocation of Stephen Fry: The 21st century's (3- minute) Ivan Karamazov?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">A little over a week ago, recently-married British comedian Stephen Fry appeared on the
Irish program “The Meaning of Life” and spoke with Gay Byrne about his beliefs and what he would say to God should he meet him/her/it at the pearly gates.
Fry’s passionate response created quite a buzz on the internet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Here is the video:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.irishcentral.com/culture/entertainment/Stephen-Frye-tells-Gay-Byrne-why-he-thinks-God-is-monstrous-VIDEO.html">http://www.irishcentral.com/culture/entertainment/Stephen-Frye-tells-Gay-Byrne-why-he-thinks-God-is-monstrous-VIDEO.html</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 20.2pt; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 24pt;">(I include the full
transcript of the exchange at the end of this blog for those who cannot see the video--my thanks to John Cummings' blog for this.</span><span style="line-height: 24pt;">)</span></span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt; line-height: 24pt;">When the interview first came across my
radar last week, I was in a mood to sympathize very strongly with Stephen Fry.
Non-religious people sometimes suppose that faithful, practicing religious people
like myself simply don’t think about these things, or that the conflict between
God’s will and their own is not an issue to them. I cannot speak for all
religious people, but I can say that the difficulty—even the anguish—is very
real to me. It just so happens that when I first heard of the exchange, I was
struggling with some dramatic questions in my own life; places where
understanding God’s will was (and in many ways, still is), very painful to me.
Fry’s video thus caught me by surprise. Watching Fry explain himself to Byrne,
I thought “Yes!,” and then “Yet no, no, no, NO.….”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;">I want to be very clear about a few
things as I attempt to respond to Fry’s critique (which I will do in several installments). First, the limitations of
responding “to Fry.” I know very little about Fry the man. As a comedian, he is
also a performer. I cannot judge what part of his response is fully felt and
what part may be showmanship; his answer certainly seems very prepared. I know that he has struggled with addiction
(so he’s aware of his personal limitations and failings), and that he’s come out
the other end. He’s gay and he recently married his boyfriend; he expressed
great joy at both this event itself and the support of friends (so he’s not, as
far as I can make out, an unhappy man).
But basically, my response is to the man at the other end of this video.
I make no claims that he is Stephen Fry in the full sense. I need to explain
why and how I disagree with him. But I don’t judge him; I understand where he’s
coming from. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;">Second, I know how difficult it is to
deal in theodicy (or justifying the ways of God). Better, smarter, more
thorough people have been trying it for centuries. It isn’t easy, and I make no
claims to succeeding where they have failed. I hope my attempts won’t be judged
as arrogant.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;">Because, honestly, they don’t come from
an arrogant place. They come from a deeply needy place. A place in my mind and
heart that needs to make sense of life, even while I recognize the limits of my
understanding. What I do claim, is that –despite
my great sense of kinship with Fry in his frustration—I can still dissent from
his perspective and conclusions in the final analysis. And do so reasonably.
Because the problem isn’t just a logical one; it isn’t just about who’s right.
It’s about how you can actually live that way.</span></div>
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<strong><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #333333; font-family: inherit, serif; font-size: 14.5pt; padding: 0in;">Gay Byrne:</span></strong><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;"> “Suppose what Oscar believed in when he died, despite your protestations, it’s all true and you walk up to the Pearly Gates and you are confronted by God, what will Stephen Fry say to him, her or it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<b><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #333333; font-family: inherit, serif; font-size: 14.5pt; padding: 0in;"><br style="box-sizing: inherit;" /><strong style="box-sizing: inherit; font-style: inherit; outline: 0px;">Stephen Fry:</strong></span></b><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;"> “I will basically, that is the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodicy" sl-processed="1" style="box-sizing: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #333333; font-family: inherit, serif; padding: 0in;"><span style="box-sizing: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; outline: 0px;">theodicy</span></span></a> I think, I will say ‘Bone cancer in children? What’s that about? How dare you, how dare you create a world in which there is such misery it’s not our fault? It’s not right, it’s utterly utterly evil, why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain?’ That’s what I’d say.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<b><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #333333; font-family: inherit, serif; font-size: 14.5pt; padding: 0in;"><br style="box-sizing: inherit;" /><strong style="box-sizing: inherit; font-style: inherit; outline: 0px;">Byrne: </strong></span></b><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;">“You think you’re going to get in?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<strong style="box-sizing: inherit; font-style: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #333333; font-family: inherit, serif; font-size: 14.5pt; padding: 0in;">Fry:</span></strong><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;"> “No, but I wouldn’t want to. I wouldn’t want to get in on his terms. They’re wrong. Now if I died and it was Pluto, Hades and it were the twelve Greek Gods then I would have more truck with it because the Greeks were, they didn’t pretend not to be human in their appetites and in their capriciousness and in their unreasonableness.<br style="box-sizing: inherit;" />They didn’t present themselves as being all seeing all-wise all-kind all beneficent, because the god who created this universe, if there is a god was quite clearly a maniac, an utter maniac, totally selfish, totally, we have to spend our life on our knees thanking him, what kind of god would do that?.<br style="box-sizing: inherit;" />Yes the world is very splendid but it also has in it insects whose whole life cycle is to burrow into the eyes of children and make them blind, they eat outwards from the eyes, why, why did you do that to us?<br style="box-sizing: inherit;" />You could easily have made a creation in which that didn’t exist, it is simply not acceptable, so you know atheism is not just about not believing there is a god, but on the assumption that there is one what kind of god is it, it’s perfectly apparent he is monstrous, utterly monstrous, he deserves no respect whatsoever, the moment we banish him life becomes simple purer, cleaner, and more worth living in my view.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; box-sizing: inherit; line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<strong style="box-sizing: inherit; font-style: inherit; outline: 0px;"><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; color: #333333; font-family: inherit, serif; font-size: 14.5pt; padding: 0in;">Byrne:</span></strong><span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;"> “That sure is the longest answer to that question that I ever got in this entire series.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;">Original Interview: The Meaning of Life with Gay Byrne, aired Sunday February 1, 2015 at 10.30pm<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-24335795494882667462014-09-15T13:29:00.001-07:002015-02-09T12:53:44.800-08:00We’re making it way too hard, people! Cooking isn’t rocket science. Food is fun (no, really!!)<div class="MsoNormal">
So I read this article the other day about how the ideal of
the home-cooked meal is becoming a major burden for working mothers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/09/03/home_cooked_family_dinners_a_major_burden_for_working_mothers.html">http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2014/09/03/home_cooked_family_dinners_a_major_burden_for_working_mothers.html</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And—even if
I only work part time—I get it. I’ve been concerned about the difficulties
facing low income families (especially with single-parent households) for a
while. But I’m worried that the truly dramatic burdens facing some households
are being used to justify a different kind of burden that other, more fortunate
women are facing. In this piece, the phrase that stuck out was, “<span style="background: white; color: #281b21; font-family: sl-Apres, serif; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">time pressures, tradeoffs to save money, and
the burden of pleasing others make it difficult for mothers to enact the
<b>idealized vision of home-cooked meals advocated by foodies</b> and public health
officials.</span>” Advocated by foodies? Say what?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #281b21; font-family: "sl-Apres","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;">Enter the real problem: the
idealized version of the family meal. <b>So it's a choice between fantasy and <i>nada</i>.</b></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #281b21; font-family: "sl-Apres","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I try to keep some balance when it comes to food
discussions. I am sort of a foodie (ugh). I really love trying new things—whether
I’ve made them or someone else has. I love to cook. I love to eat. I love
anything to do with food—consuming it, thinking about it, smelling it, planning
it. But I also live in reality. A reality that includes 5 children under 12, a
husband who hates anything very strong or pungent or spicy or any shellfish
that requires work…and kids who change their minds about what they like. And I
know not everyone is into food like I am.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have many good friends who are<b> stay-at-home moms but find the task of cooking meals for their family totally overwhelming</b>. And it
makes me unbelievably sad that, as a culture, <b>we have time to teach our kids to play
soccer and take dance and music lessons but learning how to cook and enjoy food
is too hard.</b> (It tempts me to go off on a rant on our Puritanical culture but I’m
trying to stay off that soapbox….)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, let’s forget about the foodie expectations. Let’s forget
the idealized image and shoot for something that tastes good enough to eat,
that doesn’t take forever (or can be done in advance in family-friendly way),
and that doesn’t cost a fortune, and that’s generally good for you. If you look
back to cookbooks from the 50’s and 60’s (and who does?—they rarely have
enticing pictures), you’ll see that A LOT of the recipes include a can of this,
or a can of that. Lots of those meals depended on basic ingredients and
preserved items of various kinds. Not all the burden was on the mom to produce
instant magnificence—even if she was the stay at home sort. Growing up, my
mother always cooked, even though she had a full-time job throughout my
childhood. <b>I am very grateful that my mom was always a good cook, but never a gourmet cook. It made it clear that making food was something we could all do.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the real problem facing moms today (unlike our own mothers)<b> is
that we’re competing for our families’ attention when it comes to food (since
outside food is so readily available to them) and that we have raised our own
expectations too high.</b> But, trust me, if you cut off that access to other food,
kids still get hungry just like they used to. (In my family, there is some sort
of dessert every night—absurd as that is. But it’s amazing what most kids will
eat if they understand that not finishing their regular food means no dessert).
And they will eat the food we make—especially if we make some effort to make it
good. Which is much, much easier than we tend to think.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lest anybody think I’m all talk, here are a few ideas:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
--Marinade your meat. It works wonders. If you have no ideas,
try ranch dressing. Or teriyaki. Grill your meat after you’ve marinated it.
If that’s too hard, get one of those George Foreman indoor grills. You can get
them used really cheap, too. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
--Try a slow cooker. Not expensive, and you can cook
something so it gets all saucy all day long. Pulled pork is great in, as are a
ton of other things<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
--Cook your quinoa/rice/other grains in chicken broth. Or
add some Parmesan cheese to it. Or some
nuts. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
--Roast your vegetables: broccoli, potatoes, carrots,
whatever. My children starting loving cauliflower (!!) after I started roasting
it with a little oil and salt. Or if buying fresh veggies is too tough, buy
them frozen and steam them. Then add breadcrumbs. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
--Explore pasta options that include protein. Sausage with
broccoli (or broccoli rabe if anyone will eat it. My brother was even willing
to eat kale this way) is great. Salmon and peas (try it with a pink sauce—get jar
marinara, heat and add a little cream. If you can cook a little garlic in oil
before you start, that’s even better. Or add a little wine. Or a little
parmesan. But even just tomato+ cream is a winner even by itself). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If cooking at home still seems too hard, start small and
slow. Make dinner once a week. Or make some part of dinner once a week. See if you
can find a way to actually enjoy it- find something you know how to make that
your family likes. Try making things you know someone loves, and let it grow
from there. Because, as I have seen time and time again with my family, people
learn to like things if we’re bold enough to keep trying them. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/We_Can_Do_It!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/We_Can_Do_It!.jpg" height="320" width="247" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, we can!<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-13614667965608437712014-08-30T11:30:00.001-07:002014-08-30T11:30:22.129-07:00In the unlikely event that you're wondering where I've been....(*hint* it's not JUST laziness)<br />
<a href="http://walkingwithpurpose.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/LisaBrenninkmeyer-headshot-edit-R21-e1384270786692.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://walkingwithpurpose.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/LisaBrenninkmeyer-headshot-edit-R21-e1384270786692.jpg" width="142" /></a><img height="189" src="data:image/jpeg;base64,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" width="200" /><img src="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR1VlMwMHeDbzLYK97Oc8VIdEarlm1uXjM0NZve2aIIeybI1MPa0w" /><br />
(What do these people have in common? I interviewed them recently. (From Left to right: Lisa Brenninkmeyer, John Waters, and Frank Simmonds)<br />
<br />
So I realized the other day that should say something about what appears to be my radio silence on my blog. Especially because it is a <i>radio</i> silence. Lately, I've been focusing my creative energy on a show I'm doing for RadioMaria. It's called Conversion Keeps Happening, and basically, I interview converts and cajole them into telling their stories and try to ask them questions that show how their lives are relevant to ours.<br />
<br />
I'm linking to it here in case you're interested.<br />
<a href="http://radiomaria.us/conversionkeepshappening/category/conversion-keeps-happening/">http://radiomaria.us/conversionkeepshappening/category/conversion-keeps-happening/</a><br />
<br />
And if you're not, I'm sure it won't last forever and I'll be back to blogging when I can't help myself.<br />
<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-70310172376307720762014-05-11T14:36:00.005-07:002014-05-11T14:42:57.348-07:00Deep and Lasting Mother’s Day Wisdom On Fashion<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVs5Y44YoAXuHi6PVqDCAu44YDy0k8nMqL3zYeOlLZo6459_Z6HsuL4SNSEUbtAygbN6-6O1_8jukjxRGX9oTvua4A7H9uhDq3cEl56_MOp3YDgx9RdmrWtSVgqb2vrMvnGCc0ITQODW8/s1600/wrap+silk+dress.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVs5Y44YoAXuHi6PVqDCAu44YDy0k8nMqL3zYeOlLZo6459_Z6HsuL4SNSEUbtAygbN6-6O1_8jukjxRGX9oTvua4A7H9uhDq3cEl56_MOp3YDgx9RdmrWtSVgqb2vrMvnGCc0ITQODW8/s1600/wrap+silk+dress.gif" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was just trying to get your attention with that title </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><a href="http://s7d2.scene7.com/s7viewers/dhtml/images/spacer.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://s7d2.scene7.com/s7viewers/dhtml/images/spacer.gif" /></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">you didn’t really
think I was going to share something wise and deep with you, did you? And about
fashion? C’mon, now.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I tried to develop this post into something truly useful—you
know, like the Top Ten List of Clothing Every Mom Should Own and so forth. But
I had to let it go because I was too busy and too uncreative and didn’t want to
waste your precious time with “filler” clothing items. But I thus have reduced
it to easy reading so you can enjoy those Mother’s Day more mimosas without the
distractions of lengthy reading.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><u>The Single-Most Overrated Wardrobe Item for Moms:</u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The crisp white shirt.</b>
Apologies to Anna Wintour. I love the idea of the crisp white shirt. Hell, I
even have several “white” shirts hanging up in my closet (though none were
purchased recently—my learning curve is finally kicking in). The problem is
generally to be found in the whole “crisp” and “white” juxtaposition. For a
white shirt to look that good, it needs to be really white. And keep a white
shirt really white is not so easy in mom life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are so many things that can happen—spit up,
drool, baby food, Italian or Indian food, spilling the long-awaited glass of
red wine on yourself in sleep-deprived sloppiness. Keeping that shirt white
just can’t be a priority item for most moms. And then there is the whole crisp
part. Even when you’ve done your damnedest and the shirt is actually,
miraculously, white, there is this crisp thing. That involves an iron, and your
using said iron--a very hot object inevitably plugged into a socket with some
level of precariousness--to continuously press said white shirt until it is
crisp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 8pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Need I say more?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<u><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Single Most Underappreciated Wardrobe Item for Moms:<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The patterned jersey
dress. Hell, the patterned anything, really. <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Being from New York City, black has always been the go-to
color for wardrobe staples (though, truth be told, I’m a color girl at heart
and never fully embraced black the way most of my friends did). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when I became a mother I discovered the deep
dark side of black. As in, it shows an awful lot. Especially spit up. And lint.
And dog hair. But lighter colors have their downside, too (see my comments on
the crisp white shirt. Light, non-white, colors can be even worse since you
cannot bleach them). Enter the patterned article of clothing. When there’s a
pattern, it is *way* more difficult to notice spots of any sort. Especially if
it’s a pattern that involves both light and dark colors. But the patterned
jersey dress is like heaven on earth. If you don’t usually wear dresses, let me
recommend them. Amazingly, they look like you’ve made more effort when you’ve
actually made less. As in: no coordinating top and bottom. No figuring out
appropriate what underwear looks appropriate with the bottom you’ve chosen. It’s
true that nursing moms will need a wrap option. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the jersey dress is really a very
happy-making choice when it comes to the style + comfort equation. It feels
like you’re wearing sweatpants, but it’s a dress. And if it’s patterned, it
will forgive a seemingly endless number of mishaps. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What more can you ask for? (OK, telepathy is
not yet available through clothing). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You’re welcome. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-65109839757389940542014-04-14T06:46:00.003-07:002014-04-14T06:47:43.657-07:00Jimmy Fallon: from altar boy to priest (Picking up where Teri Gross left off….) <div class="MsoNormal">
If you have any interest in late-night TV or comedy or SNL
or just good (mostly) clean fun, you
probably know that Jimmy Fallon took over the Tonight Show from Jay Leno
recently (February 17, to be exact). There was some fanfare and, for a few days
after his opening night, there was some particular interest in Catholic
circles, stemming from the fact that Jimmy Fallon was raised Catholic, went to
Catholic schools (included his college experience at St. Rose where he majored
in Communications before dropping out), and (at least according to his
interview with Teri Gross), tried going back to church while he was out in LA
but got discouraged by what he saw there.</div>
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(no this video has nothing to do with post. I just like it.)</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/57dzaMaouXA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Teri Gross is a great interviewer and has a wonderfully wide
repertoire and rapport with her guests. But I felt like she couldn’t quite get
what Jimmy Fallon was saying in his interview—there is a real (albeit
surprising) connection between what he does and being a priest. If you look at
Fallon’s comments, he is letting Teri lead him to calling himself the
priest-performer at church, but what he relates most to is the altar boy role. He
loved the way people felt at the end of mass. Either way, what it gets at (and
which Teri, understandably, didn’t seem to get) is the unusual nature of the
priest’s role: he’s central to the mass, he is the principal agent, but the
mass is not really about him: it’s about Someone Else. Fallon is very much like
this as the Tonight Show’s host: he’s funny, but he doesn’t really make the
show about him. This was particularly obvious on his opening night of the
Tonight Show, where there was a lot of very sincere thanking on Fallon’s part
and a sort of glad surprise that he had gotten to this place. Fallon is funny, but
he’s not that witty. He’s a great comic actor and imitator, but he’s not a
verbal jabber. There is a gentleness, a
charity in his dealings that makes the show fun: he wants people to feel good
at the end of a show, just like he saw people feeling good after going to
church. If I were a celebrity, that would be very appealing to me: a show where
I get to have fun and look good to boot. What’s not to like? Jimmy’s years spent as an altar boy must
serve him well: years mirroring the priest at mass, even imitating him, but not
really mocking him. That’s obvious in the funny but somewhat wistful nature of
Fallon’s remarks to Teri Gross, and it’s exactly what makes him such a great
host: he seems to genuinely like and be excited by the people on his show.
There is a warmth and humility and generosity of spirit that in his approach
that might seem just naïve if he weren’t such a natural. He’s not there to
bring them down, he’s there to lift them up. And if he gets to go along for the
ride, that’s even better. No wonder he
is so good at it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Here is the “Catholic” portion of Fallon’s interview on NPR
in 2010 with Teri Gross. The entire transcript is available at: http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=136462013
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: So you went to Catholic school when you were young.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Oh yeah.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Did you have..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: I wanted to be a priest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Did you really?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Yeah. I loved it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: I just, I loved the church. I loved the idea of it.
I loved the smell of the incense. I loved the feeling you get when you left
church. I loved like how this priest can make people feel this good. I just
thought it was, I loved the whole idea of it. My grandfather was very
religious, so I used to go to mass with him at like 6:45 in the morning serve
mass and then you made money too if you did weddings and funerals. They'd give
you, you'd get like five bucks. And so I go okay, I can make money too. I go
this could be a good deal for me. I thought I had the calling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Do you think part of that calling was really show
business? 'Cause like the priest is the performer at church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Yeah. You know what - I really Terry, I'm, I
recently thought about this. Again, I've never been to therapy but I guess that
would be, it's being on stage. It's my first experience on stage is as an altar
boy. You're on stage next to the priest, I'm a co-star.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Soundbite of laughter)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: I'm, I've got...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Also starring Jimmy Fallon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Soundbite of laughter)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Yeah, I have no lines but I ring bells. I ring bells
and I swing the incense around. But it was my - and you know, you are
performing. You enter through a curtain, you exit through the, I mean you're
backstage. I mean have you ever seen backstage behind an altar? It's kind of
fascinating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: So I think it was, I think it was my first taste of
show business and I think - or acting or something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: And there are comparisons, I think, between a theater and
a church. There are just kind of places that are separated from outside
reality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Yeah. And I remember I had a hard time keeping a
straight face at church as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Did you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Which - yeah...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Did you do imitations of the priest?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Soundbite of laughter)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Oh, of course. Yeah. I used to do Father McFadden
all the time. He's the fastest talking priest ever. He's be like...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Soundbite of mumbling)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Soundbite of laughter)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: And then you leave and you go, that - what was that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Soundbite of laughter)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: That guy's the best. I mean that was church? Sign me
up. I'll do church I'll do it 10 times a day if that's church. He was great.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Do you still go to church?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: I don't go to - I tried to go back. When I was out
in L.A. and I was like kind of struggling for a bit I went to church for a
while, but it's kind of, it's gotten gigantic now for me. It's like too,
there's a band. There's a band there now and you got to, you have to hold hands
with people through the whole mass now, and I don't like doing that. You know,
I mean it used to be the shaking hands piece was the only time you touched each
other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">GROSS: Mm-hmm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: Now I'm holding now I'm lifting people. Like Simba.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Soundbite of laughter)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr. FALLON: I'm holding them (Singing) ha nah hey nah ho.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: 15.6pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 55.7pt; margin-top: 0in; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 8.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Speaking) I'm I'm doing too much. I don't want - there's
Frisbees being thrown, there's beach balls going around, people waving
lighters, and I go this is too much for me. I want the old way. I want to hang
out with the, you know, with the nuns, you know, that was my favorite type of
mass, and the Grotto and just like straight up, just mass-mass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-78203024663596399292014-04-03T08:29:00.000-07:002014-04-03T08:29:06.652-07:00Do you ever think how needy YOU are?<a href="http://www.firstthings.com/web-exclusives/2014/04/jesus-blood-never-failed-me-yet">http://www.firstthings.com/web-exclusives/2014/04/jesus-blood-never-failed-me-yet</a><br />
<br />
(Embarrassingly, it took this First Things piece to make me realize I'd never posted this blog entry...But honest, I was thinking about that piece of music in mid-February, though not as thoughtfully as Stephen Webb).<br />
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A few years ago, I happened to be sitting next to my
favorite Catholic Communist at a university event. One of the speakers was a
young woman who shared her experience doing service work in Central America and
noted how very, very lucky she felt when she got home and got in her hot
shower—a sharp contrast with the reality of the people she’d met. My friend and
I looked at each other and sighed --and then had a vigorous discussion about
the problem with her attitude. Because it is the thing we both hate about
service work. To be clear: I think service work is a good thing; even a great
thing. I’d dare say even a <b>necessary</b>
thing. Many people do it beautifully and sincerely. But too often, it is
undertaken or encouraged in a spirit that is antithetical to the task: It
easily becomes a sort of Post-Modern neocolonialism. Oh, look at these poor
people! They have nothing. We, on the other hand, are fat and rich and happy.
We will go and help these poor people with all our money and talents: they will
learn from us. And we will remember how good we have it back home when we
return. A win-win: how good we are, and enlightened, too! At the end, we get to
come home and live our regular lives, feeling even more smug and
self-contented. (Though this recent post really took down the voluntourism
phenomenon, in a pretty rough way: <a href="http://pippabiddle.com/2014/02/18/the-problem-with-little-white-girls-and-boys/">http://pippabiddle.com/2014/02/18/the-problem-with-little-white-girls-and-boys/</a>.
She’s on to something, though I’d say Pippa misses something, too).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Another story: When
I was living at home about fifteen years ago, my father got hold of a CD. It’s
Gavin Bryars’ recording of “Jesus’ Blood Never Failed Me Yet” and it features a
recording of a homeless man singing that line repeatedly to instrumentation. It
moves me to sobbing tears every time I listen to it. Music has a power to touch
the soul that is impossible to explain, and I won’t try to penetrate its
mystery fully. But I know that part of what moved me was the fact of this poor
homeless man singing this song of praise and gratitude—a praise and gratitude
that is and was much rarer to find coming out of my lips. This man wasn’t
grateful for his home or his clothes or his accomplishments or his talents. His
gratitude was more elemental: he was grateful for his very being.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This gets to the heart of what service truly is: something I
do because <b><i>I </i></b>need it. Selfish me, I need to be reminded of <b>my need</b> to give myself by giving of
myself. <b>I need</b> to see people who are
truly needy and aren’t spending all day faking it so I can remember that <b>I’m needy</b>. Then, I get a chance to understand who I
really am. And my experience with service can become solidarity,
self-realization, and true self-giving, rather than naïve and patronizing work
which may or may not really help the people I set out to serve. The more deeply I realize my need, the more I
can give myself truly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The most extreme and beautiful case of this awareness is a
place in Kampala, where women afflicted with AIDS live with a tremendous hope:
a hope that is visible in their approach to life. I learned that these women,
sick with HIV and poor themselves, had taken on extra work to make money to
send to the Katrina Victims. And I thought, how lucky these women are! To see
the world through the lens of their own need and their own gratitude without
polluting influences. I’d like to go there and learn to live like that. <b>Because it’s what I need</b>. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here’s the trailer to a documentary made on the life and
hope of these women in Kampala: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JfhAGscOam0<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-42252823996793469632014-02-18T03:57:00.000-08:002014-02-18T04:39:59.042-08:00Philip Seymour Hoffman with Simon Critchley on Happiness<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<pre wrap=""><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Since what a man seeks in his pleasures is that they should be infinite, and no one would ever give up hope of attaining that infinity, you see why all pleasures end in disgust. It is nature's device for tearing us away from them. (Cesare Pavese, <i>This Business of Living</i>)</span></pre>
</blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Amazing video--especially, but not only-- in light of Hoffman's recent death: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://explore.noodle.org/post/76982293225/i-dont-know-what-it-means-to-be-happy-pleasure?utm_content=buffer15f34&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer">http://explore.noodle.org/post/76982293225/i-dont-know-what-it-means-to-be-happy-pleasure?utm_content=buffer15f34&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The immediate distinction Hoffman makes between happiness and pleasure reminded me of Pavese. </span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> What Hoffman says about acting also echoes Terence's great quote, "<i>Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto</i>", ("I am a human being, I consider nothing that is human alien to me.") The greatness of Hoffman's acting seems to come from this tremendous inner humanity and willingness to self-identify with whatever is human, without holding back any of himself. R.I.P.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-69886283547235257872014-02-14T04:11:00.004-08:002014-02-14T04:18:14.998-08:00Marriage *is* for you….just maybe not the way you think...<!--[if !mso]>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Love consists of not looking each other in the eye, but of looking outwardly
in the same direction.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"> Antoine de Saint Exupéry</span><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG32O7YCW6sBBcOFEXATyhy4x0A97gZz0Z6_0no5-pGxXw8YyGsSAuP5D59AtX-sLjym9hqv-5QLjFDifk6Qhk4iLwWqrqYi2FRpMscrrq5cp2DQwEbDzzVfF1xv0zCs77h_78ErBZEak/s1600/Indian+man+and+woman+looking+out+window.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG32O7YCW6sBBcOFEXATyhy4x0A97gZz0Z6_0no5-pGxXw8YyGsSAuP5D59AtX-sLjym9hqv-5QLjFDifk6Qhk4iLwWqrqYi2FRpMscrrq5cp2DQwEbDzzVfF1xv0zCs77h_78ErBZEak/s1600/Indian+man+and+woman+looking+out+window.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><br /></span><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 24.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;"></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like many people, I first read Seth Adam Smith’s “Marriage
isn’t for you” when it went viral last fall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Every so often, it pops up again as another friend discovers it and
passes it on, admiringly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time the
piece surfaces I look a little longer at the comments. Some of the feedback is
surprisingly negative (though I guess that shouldn’t surprise; there are haters
for everything on the Internet it seems—<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I’m
sure there’s someone <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>out there yelling “Puppies—Boo!!!”
on some site somewhere</b>). But the piece is so positive, so generous, so….sweet
that I haven’t wanted to criticize without thinking things through. It’s taken
me a while to put my finger on the problem as I see it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Smith’s piece is great because it starts from a selfish
point of view: Smith worries about his own marital satisfaction and hopes his
wife will make him happy—but thanks to his dad’s advice and his wife’s actions,
he realizes that’s not what marriage is about. He concludes that it’s about the
person you marry and her (or his) happiness, that it’s about family, “It’s
about others….”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I admire his honestly
and humility in telling his story. I love the way he stresses the kind and
gentle way his wife treated him and the realization and transformation it
prompted in him—and I think <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">he’s totally
right that a loving response often transforms a hardening heart.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">But here’s the
problem: you can’t make someone else happy.</b> No, really, you can’t. When you
are first in love you think you can because of the intensely blissful feelings
of new love. But even those feelings aren’t full happiness. And your happiness
is bigger than any person—no matter how spectacularly wonderful and
well-matched—could possibly fill.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Smith has been married only a year and a half, and I’ve been
married for twelve and a half. He has no kids (yet, anyway); <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have five.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">But I’m not saying this because
I’m old and cynical and tired. I’m saying it because I want love and openness
and goodness like his to last and deepen</b>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I worry
that thinking you can make someone else happy will become just as big a trap as
the focus on your own happiness.</b> Worrying only about your own satisfaction
isn’t good, but it’s dangerous to think you’re going to make someone else
happy. Growing up, my mom would occasionally tell me, “It’s not your job to
make your parents happy.” My grandmother had been the clear favorite in her
family, and had labored under the burden of that for many years, believing
that—as the favorite—it was also her job to do what her parents wanted and
“make them happy.” I know that’s a parent-child relationship, but similar
things can happen to married people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
start doing all the things you think <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">should</i>
make your spouse happy. You put their needs before yours. And then if they
aren’t satisfied, you get angry. “Why the heck isn’t s/he happy? With all I do
for him/her?” Or, alternately you get depressed, “What’s wrong with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me?</i>” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We can, on the other hand, help each other find happiness. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">We can accompany each other on this long
road; we can love each other madly, passionately, truly. We can walk together,
sustaining each other, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>encouraging each
other, making the journey much more fun--but we can’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">be</i> the road. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>That way
lies madness, not happiness. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the words of Rainer Maria Rilke:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Here is the paradox of the love between man and woman: two
infinites meet two limits: two infinite needs to be loved find two fragile and
limited capacities to love. Only within the horizon of a greater Love will they
not devour themselves in pretension, nor give up, but walk together towards
that fullness of which the other is a sign.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Happy, Happy Valentine’s Day!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<img class="ready cursor-zoom-out" data-height="424" src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsz11ziLhi1qfet8co1_1280.jpg" data-src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsz11ziLhi1qfet8co1_1280.jpg" data-width="600" height="282" id="content-image" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-15582743393143154862014-02-11T08:29:00.001-08:002014-02-13T17:45:12.641-08:00The Wind Beneath Those Wings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTiX-ltvD99gEzNFvnk46fgaaj5qQZCTSkHutKfOMpSQvL20uZl" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTiX-ltvD99gEzNFvnk46fgaaj5qQZCTSkHutKfOMpSQvL20uZl" /> </a></div>
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A year ago today, my brother Dan—who’s in the seminary—got a
phone call <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">very</i> early in the morning.
You see, he was working in a cardinal’s office at the time. “Forgive us for
calling so early,” the caller said, “but it’s not every day that a pope
resigns!” “What?!?!?” my brother sputtered. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
We all know what that was about, though at this point in
time, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">the singularity of Benedict’s
resignation is pretty deeply buried under the media reporting on Pope Francis</b>.
I’ve been wanting to write a post on Pope Francis for a while. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s blowing me away –and killing me at the
same time (this kind of killing:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://catholicstand.com/pope-francis-is-killing-me/">http://catholicstand.com/pope-francis-is-killing-me/</a>).
I love Pope Francis, and I am deeply inspired by him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
But anyone paying any attention knows that he is usually
contrasted sharply with his predecessor. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Naturally—the narrative is much more
interesting that way. Though I recently saw a great little video on Patheos,
comparing the two men and suggesting that they exemplify two different
traditions within the Church (the priestly and the prophetic respectively : <a href="http://www.patheos.com/blogs/standingonmyhead/2014/02/do-the-pope-benedict-and-francis-clash.html">http://www.patheos.com/blogs/standingonmyhead/2014/02/do-the-pope-benedict-and-francis-clash.html</a>), the
spin is not usually so positive. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Today, Pope Francis asked that we pray for former Pope
Benedict--which seems like a good moment to note some of the surprising
similarities between the two men. Most particularly, their humility. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember when Benedict was first elected.
Initially, people were all over him, complaining about him being “God’s Rottweiler”
and all that. What was the first encyclical he issued? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deus Caritas Est. All about God’s love and charity, where he even addressed erotic desire, venturing rather substantially into the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">eros</i> category, and defended erotic love
against some heavy-weight detractors in the Christian tradition--and lingered significantly on social concerns as well. (Note that my
understanding of this is wholly indebted to brilliant theologian friends and
former colleagues. I read papal encyclicals with <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lots</i> of help). The historical revisionists are already out there
trying to dismantle Benedict’s legacy, but those of us who remember his pontificate
know better. The man was orthodox, yes. But his orthodoxy already was pushing
the limits. He was so confident in his tradition, and so prayerfully certain of
his relationship with Christ, that he did deeply radical things. Like
resigning.<b> I mean, really, who does that?</b> <b>Benedict was not a splashy kind of guy,
and so his dramatic gestures<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>get
dismissed easily.</b> But let’s remember, this was a man who bucked centuries of
tradition to resign. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, yes, now that
we look back we can cite historical precedent and comments that Benedict had
made and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in hindsight it’s
understandable and acceptable and what have you-- but <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">it is and was a deeply radical gesture</b>. Benedict was orthodox<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">—but radically so.</b> And so is Francis
(pace Rolling Stone). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But while the
emphasis during Benedict’s pontificate was on the orthodox, with Francis it’s
on the radical part of the equation.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Which brings me to what inspires me so much in both popes:
their humility and boldness in listening to the promptings of the Spirit. And man, do they
listen! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Benedict, with his entirely
unexpected decision, opened the way for Francis. So to those who would reject
Benedict, I would like to recall that without him there would be no Francis.
And for those who are having a hard time with Francis, it was Benedict’s decision
that made this happen. If we have issues, I think we need to take it straight
to the top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For my part, I feel
radically blessed in both men. And excited about where the Spirit will take us
from here.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-59502389765221151982014-01-25T08:59:00.003-08:002014-01-25T09:00:49.185-08:00The Gift of the Middle Years: Thoughts from Anne Morrow Lindbergh<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQpINhnGc3ydmAOUdv3P6E3rBxFxCuyHH0pAJPZnhID972FYCpwKmpcHPlT1VXe24QGVkh33xaw2HHm8TQmdKkMJlJk22KzQ0mO39vczWcdkoX55scAcVXctslM52oNq8e9i99iDy67PU/s1600/open-door-to-heaven-space-with-footprints-illustration.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQpINhnGc3ydmAOUdv3P6E3rBxFxCuyHH0pAJPZnhID972FYCpwKmpcHPlT1VXe24QGVkh33xaw2HHm8TQmdKkMJlJk22KzQ0mO39vczWcdkoX55scAcVXctslM52oNq8e9i99iDy67PU/s1600/open-door-to-heaven-space-with-footprints-illustration.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
There is a gentle and enduring wisdom in Anne Morrow Lindbergh's thought that speaks to me. Now that I'm in my 40s, I was particularly struck by this bit and wanted to pass it on (Taken from her <i>Gift from the Sea</i>, pages 81-82)<br />
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For is it not possible that middle
age can be looked upon as a period of second flowering, second growth, even a
kind of second adolescence? It is true that society in general does not help
one accept his interpretation of the second half of life. And therefore this
period of expanding is often tragically misunderstood. Many people never climb
above the plateau of forty-to-fifty. The signs that presage growth, so similar,
it seems to me, to those in early adolescence: discontent, restlessness, doubt,
despair, longing, are interpreted falsely as signs of decay. In youth one does
not as often misinterpret the signs: one accepts them, quite rightly, as
growing pains. One takes them seriously, listens to them, follows where they
lead. One is afraid. Naturally. Who is not afraid of pure space—that breath-taking
empty space of an open door? But despite fear, one goes through to the room beyond.
</div>
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But in middle age, because of the
false assumption that it is a period of decline, one interprets these
life-signs, paradoxically, as signs of approaching death. Instead of facing
them, one runs away, one escapes—into depressions, nervous breakdowns, drink,
love affairs, or frantic, thoughtless, fruitless overwork. Anything, anything
rather than face them. Anything, rather than stand still and learn from them.
One tries to cure the signs of growth, to exorcise them, as if they were
devils, when really they might be angels of annunciation. </div>
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Angels of annunciation of what? Of
a new stage of living when, having shed many of the physical struggles, the
worldly ambitions, the material encumbrances of active life, one might be free to
fulfill the neglected side of one’s self. One might be free for growth of mind,
heart, and talent, free at last for spiritual growth…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
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<img alt="http://uploads0.wikipaintings.org/images/lorenzo-lotto/the-angel-of-the-annunciation-1527.jpg!xlMedium.jpg" class="decoded" src="http://uploads0.wikipaintings.org/images/lorenzo-lotto/the-angel-of-the-annunciation-1527.jpg%21xlMedium.jpg" /> </div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-11628109705881627662014-01-23T08:57:00.000-08:002014-01-23T08:58:18.136-08:00The Discovery of Hot Water: Enter the Dark Playground, Sherlock.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9w8xePYtTJE49fkEaxvv1sHrcRR1OA_vx2vKVKiFTwui4t_hW9MHqaVOsAaJLQNeT99kV5-NvWoagLTYkErRG-o1xRQ4-OOkMkvm5P74G4Qyny1EqJEiEXy_SHyTH3l1phss6ENQISnI/s1600/abandon-hope-all-ye-who-enter-here-e1285714292550.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9w8xePYtTJE49fkEaxvv1sHrcRR1OA_vx2vKVKiFTwui4t_hW9MHqaVOsAaJLQNeT99kV5-NvWoagLTYkErRG-o1xRQ4-OOkMkvm5P74G4Qyny1EqJEiEXy_SHyTH3l1phss6ENQISnI/s1600/abandon-hope-all-ye-who-enter-here-e1285714292550.jpg" height="194" width="320" /></a></div>
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My first year teaching high school was tough. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Very tough, actually, since I’m
ridiculously sensitive, not naturally organized or strict, and not exactly physically </b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">intimidating</b>. It got to the point where I was crying most days…occasionally
during class. One day, a well-meaning friend and colleague took me aside, and
said, “You know, Rebecca, you’ve really got to stop crying in class.” I looked
at him incredulously and said, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“C, do
you really think I find myself standing in front of 38 unruly fourteen-year-old
boys and think, ‘Hey, this would be a great moment to cry?!?’ I cry because I can’t
help it.”</b> (In my defense, these boys were pretty tough Brooklyn kids even
if it was a Catholic school, and class size was big—but yeah, I know it wasn’t
good). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Italians have a term for when someone discovers something obvious.
They call it “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">la scoperta dell’acqua
calda</b>”—the discovery of hot water.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hot water is awesome—but it’s not exactly news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more vulgar neighborhood I grew up in
might have called it the “No s*%#, Sherlock” category. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">But it’s funny how<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>easy it would
be to fix other people’s problems. </b>No biggie: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they should just stop doing what they’re doing.
Change. Quit. Be different. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Their</i>
difficulties are easily resolved. Our own problems, on the other hand, aren’t
so easy. If you suffer from any kind of emotional or psychological challenge, you
know it’s not so easy to change. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you
get angry easily, other people may tell you to just count to ten or to try
other simple strategies that work for people who don’t have major anger
problems. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Likewise, if you
procrastinate, people will tell you to start your work early. Gee, thanks. It’s
not that easy, Sherlock. </div>
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All this is to say that I really loved this post on procrastination.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Because
it helps you get inside the procrastinator’s brain, and really understand what’s
going on. Which is actually kind of fun, even if you’re a procrastinator and
looking into your own brain makes you feel a little sick.</b> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if you’re not, well, welcome! </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And lest I get tempted to linger too long in the dark
playground it describes so well, there is a follow up:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
http://waitbutwhy.com/2013/11/how-to-beat-procrastination.html</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<b>
</b><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>There is hope, after all!</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-85767822152295756382014-01-20T08:50:00.000-08:002014-01-20T08:52:21.815-08:00Everyday Wisdom from MLK: The Door You Pass Through.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Reading a book (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sacred
Influence</i>) by Gary Thomas, I recently came across this anecdote, originally
told by Henry Belafonte to Bono (extracted from <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Bono in Conversation with Michka Assayas</i>). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thought this was an appropriate day for
sharing it…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When Bobby Kennedy became the US Attorney General, the
leaders of the civil rights movement despaired. Bobby was Irish, and, according
to one leader at the time, "famously not interested in the civil rights
movement. We knew we were in deep trouble: we were crestfallen and in despair
talking to Martin [Luther King Junior], moaning and groaning about the turn of
events when Dr. King slammed his hand down and ordered us to stop the
[complaining]. “Enough of this,” he said. “Is there nobody here who's got
something good to say about Bobby Kennedy?” We said “Martin, that's what we're
telling ya! There is no one. There is nothing good to say about him. The guy's
an Irish Catholic conservative [expletive], he's bad news.” Martin Luther King Jr. understood this... He looked at his
fellow leaders and said, “Well then, let's call this meeting to a close. We
will re-adjourn when somebody has found one thing redeeming to say about Bobby
Kennedy, because that, my friends, is the door through which our movement will
pass.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">King then ended the meeting insisting that there wouldn't be
anything more to do until somebody came up with something good to say about
Bobby Kennedy. In his view there was no way they could move this man toward their
position until they found one redeeming thing to say about him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That one thing would be the door of
redemption the door of influence the door of change.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">King’s plan worked. They discovered that Bobby Kennedy was
close to his bishop and they worked through this bishop so effectively that,
according to the same leader who once could not find a single positive thing to
say about Kennedy, "There was no greater friend to the civil rights
movement [than Bobby Kennedy],there was no one we owed more of our progress to
than that man." As Thomas puts it, “Their greatest nightmare turned into
their greatest dream.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This speaks
volumes about the roots of Martin Luther King’s: what faith in his own cause—and
in humanity! He was certain that his friends were wrong and that something
redeeming could be found in Bobby Kennedy, so much so that the dilemma itself
seems laughable to us looking back. In dark moments, it’s helpful to remember:
there is always a door.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Always.</span></i></b><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-50634709392315200982014-01-18T09:31:00.001-08:002014-01-20T08:14:59.385-08:00Informally Resolved: Start with Gratitude and Inspiration<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRqURn1yajf031TRyJ-8wVu0ipk2ZtYSGTjHXJZXHReSoDmW2n4Rj_v8DN-Hpc5QkHgC68xaijecwg9wh-06eWml9fBjJB5uZATmKHAa08PCdXeDJ-P44ootGmj-xJsbFF2zgBtZwmVN4/s640/blogger-image--1632323761.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRqURn1yajf031TRyJ-8wVu0ipk2ZtYSGTjHXJZXHReSoDmW2n4Rj_v8DN-Hpc5QkHgC68xaijecwg9wh-06eWml9fBjJB5uZATmKHAa08PCdXeDJ-P44ootGmj-xJsbFF2zgBtZwmVN4/s640/blogger-image--1632323761.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">In case it wasn’t patently obvious, I am not a big believer in New Year’s Resolutions. Mostly I just can’t be bothered: formalizing something in a resolution requires so much effort…and then it’s so guilt-inducing.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I do appreciate all the people around me making them though, because a) it gives me lots of ideas for what to give up for Lent and b) it makes the gym cheaper.</b><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">There are a lot of regular gym-goers out there who really hate the beginning of January because all these “new people” show up at the gym and the gym gets really crowded for a bit. Some regulars even get huffy about it. They resent the crowded locker rooms, the lines for classes, and the wait for their favorite step-master.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I say, bring ‘em </b><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">on. I like to point out to my fellow regulars that we can afford to go to the gym because of all those people.</span><b style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> The gym pricing is absolutely predicated on the fact that many, many people will sign up who can’t go. If they all really did come, then we’d have to have a much, much bigger gym</b><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">. Meaning bigger fees for everyone.</span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">So “they” are actually doing us a favor.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Which brings me to what I <b><i>am</i></b> starting my year with: gratitude and inspiration. I am not a positive outlook person by nature: I am a New Yorker. And positive people annoy me (far too) easily. But I like happy people and I want to be one, too. So when I think about optimism and pessimism and the whole “glass half full or half empty,” I prefer to sidestep the whole thing altogether. Because (typical of our American empiricist bias), the half-full/ hall-empty question ignores a much bigger issue. <b>Namely: how did the glass get there? If I didn’t put the glass there, much less fill it with anything, it is simply absurd for me to feel anything but gratitude for the glass’s existence. </b>And if, by miraculous serendipity, I also happen to be thirsty and there is water in this mysterious glass, that is even better. Far too easily, we forget that the very existence of things, and people, is something to be deeply grateful for. That is something I want to start my year with.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">As for inspiration, that has to come from someplace else. Inspired by Jen Fulwiler’s Conversion Diary blog, I decided to choose at random, and see what I came up with.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">a) a <b>Saint for the Year</b> (with the random saint generator Jen devised:<a href="http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/12/your-patron-saint-for-2014.html">http://www.conversiondiary.com/2013/12/your-patron-saint-for-2014.html</a> –I got Saint Patrick. Patron, among other things, of excluded people…</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">b) a <b>Song for the year</b>: I turned on the radio on New Year’s Day and the first song I got was Mumford and Sons cover of “The Boxer.” Eerily appropriate. </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">c) a <b>Bible passage for the year</b>: again, chosen at random, I opened to a passage of Revelation. (Did I mention that Revelation scares me? Fortunately, the passage itself (Rev 19: 6-9) doesn’t). Still haven’t figured it out. But I figure I have the rest of 2014 to understand it…</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-27629353690429660922013-06-21T04:48:00.000-07:002013-06-21T04:48:04.437-07:00Summer!Happy Solstice! Just want to tell you I'm moving and you can now find me over at WordPress. <br />
(www.theinquiringmom.wordpress.com)<br />
I'm trying something a little different for my blog this
summer--a little lighter, a little shorter (mostly, anyway), and a
little sunnier. Just passing on some of my summer reading...Let me know what you think!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-81205671803433676592013-06-07T12:22:00.003-07:002014-01-20T08:15:12.893-08:00Why shareholders might want to petition Forbes NOT to write puff pieces on their CEOs….<br />
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<a href="http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/4ff34761ecad04e14000000f-300/linkedin-ceo-jeff-weiner-on-the-cover-of-forbes-magazine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static6.businessinsider.com/image/4ff34761ecad04e14000000f-300/linkedin-ceo-jeff-weiner-on-the-cover-of-forbes-magazine.jpg" /></a></div>
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The Heath Bros. new book, <b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Decisive</i></b>, is in line with the great stuff they’ve been putting out
for several years now: <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">based on sound
research, easy to read, full of great stories, and relevant to just about
everybody, their new book is subtitled “How to Make Better Choices in Life and
Work.”</b> They have a mnemonic for remembering their 4-step process for
implemented their strategies: WRAP [<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">W</b>iden
your options; <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">R</b>eality-test your
assumptions; <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">A</b>ttain distance before
deciding, and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">P</b>repare to be wrong]. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jump-starting their discussion of “reality testing your
assumptions,” (pages 92-94) they tell the story of two business school
professors (Hayward and Hambrick) <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">who
were puzzled by the number of CEOs who make expensive acquisitions that rarely
pay off.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Buying another company is a
risky business, but the number of managers who did it suggested otherwise. Their
theory? “…[A]cquiring CEOs were being led astray by their own hubris.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Looks like they were right: they tested three
factors to see if managers’ overconfidence was leading them to overpay.</div>
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<br /></div>
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They were [here I quote directly]:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Praise by the media.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Strong recent corporate performance (which the
CEO could interpret as evidence of his/her genius</div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>A sense of self-importance (which was measured,
cleverly, by looking at the gap between the CEO’s compensation package and the
next-highest-paid officer—a CEO must think a lot of himself if he’s paid quadruple
the salary of anyone else).</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>And they were right on all counts. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">They discovered a decided correlation
between CEO ego (thus measured) and the acquisition premium. </b></div>
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This may not be so surprising (at
least if you’re not a CEO). But it’s a bias that emerges for all of us non-CEOs as well when we
think we know something. The antidote is surprisingly simple—and effective.
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Disagreement—and encouraging it in the
people around you</b>. Don’t believe it? Go ask your spouse.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-5346588128875386182013-04-19T05:21:00.000-07:002013-04-19T05:21:28.042-07:00Progressive or Regressive Technology? Parallel Play and Interactive Play<br />
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From Here…………………………………</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/newstalkkit.com/files/2012/07/cell-phone-meeting.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/newstalkkit.com/files/2012/07/cell-phone-meeting.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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.........................Back to Here? </div>
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<a href="http://handsfullofgrass.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/img_2123.jpg?w=300&h=225" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://handsfullofgrass.files.wordpress.com/2013/02/img_2123.jpg?w=300&h=225" /></a></div>
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I heard a great interview yesterday about Netiquette with
Daniel Post (descendent of the famous Emily Post). He stressed a couple of
critical points: 1) <b>That etiquette is really
about the relationship(s) it serves</b>, which should be the guiding force
behind the choices we make (useful since it can be hard to make hard and fast rules
about whether phones should or should not be used in certain contexts) 2) <b>That all generations have something to learn from the others about
appropriate use of technology:</b> Millennials can benefit from Boomers’
awareness of tradition and greater life experience, but Boomers can also learn
from Millennials some of the ways in which people value and use their time
differently, which suggests different communication choices (including a strong
preference for texts over voicemails and always sending a text with directions
when possible). This is useful, since it's easy to praise technology for all its done for us or bemoan how bad social interaction has gotten without learning much.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During the interview, Daniel made commented on the
now-frequent occurrence of people, in a social or business gathering, all
simultaneously using their hand-held devices. He said that it reminds him of
the stage in child development where children engage in parallel play. Parallel
play is the point in development where kids play next to each other, and tend
to be interested in what the other is doing without actually interacting. He was
in favor of the use of technology in fostering relationships but noted that,
while parallel play is good, there is a sophistication involved in interactive
play that should not be lost.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s worth noting that we adults have gotten to that
sophisticated level. So when we “opt out” of interactive play in favor of
parallel activities, we’re regressing. Which isn’t always a bad thing….but it’s
good to be aware of what we’re doing, and what relationships we’re serving in
the process. Do we actually want to be parallel playing when we could be playing interactively? Or are we just slaves to technology? </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-45130339403416987172013-04-16T16:07:00.003-07:002013-04-16T16:07:34.835-07:00Holding a Bedroom Open House (no, it’s not what you think!)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<a href="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT57MmqG-JKmoo_08CVdmu8SLaSw6MBwW8kQpdV65r5S2Lz3DEZ" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT57MmqG-JKmoo_08CVdmu8SLaSw6MBwW8kQpdV65r5S2Lz3DEZ" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My oldest daughter has her own room. My husband (who, as the
third child, is more comfortable allotting privileges to his eldest daughter than
his oldest-child wife is) decided this about a year ago and so far, so good. <b>It
gives her a sense of independence and ownership that is a good thing. The
downside is that she can be downright possessive and nasty regarding her
personal space (a bit trying in a child who still barges into adult rooms’
unannounced and leaves her things lying around regularly). </b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If an errant sibling finds his way into her
room and, say, decides to jump on her bed, <b>the Wrath will be swiftly inflicted
upon him (or, more likely, her). </b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What to do? I’ve tried my usual punishing, cajoling, “try to
put yourself in his shoes” discussions…Plus threats to take away the bedroom.
(But of course, that would be a big hassle for me, too.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So—burst of insight—I am trying a new technique. <b>I have
instituted the “Open House.” I asked my eldest to make invitations to her siblings inviting them to her room. </b>During one hour, on Sundays, said daughter
invites her siblings into her room. She provides refreshments for them (usually
not allowed in carpeted personal spaces in our home) and allows them to be
comfortable in her space, inviting them to recline on her bed and peruse her books if they like (!!!). <b>The thinking behind this is that if she learns (even
for just an hour a week) to welcome her sisters and brother into her room, that
some of those good vibration will rub off on them and that she’ll also get more
comfortable welcoming them than banning them from the premises.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The verdict is still out on the success of this technique
but I’m hopeful. The first one went off well, and all seemed to enjoy it...I'm hoping it's a sign of good things to come.Will the polar ice cap truly melt or is this just a temporary warming? To be continued!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-74931963794044613352013-04-03T21:53:00.003-07:002013-04-03T21:55:23.543-07:00How far have you come, baby? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://facultystaff.vwc.edu/~mhall/advertisements/tobacco_products/images/Virginia%20Slims--you've%20come%20a%20long%20way%20baby--women's%20day%2081.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://facultystaff.vwc.edu/~mhall/advertisements/tobacco_products/images/Virginia%20Slims--you've%20come%20a%20long%20way%20baby--women's%20day%2081.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In our current anti-smoking culture,
<b>it’s funny to think back on Virginia
Slims’ old cigarette ads, celebrating women’s progress and encouraging smoking at
the same time. There are definite dark ironies there</b>….It makes me think of
other dark ironies of our progressive age. I read Betty Friedan’s Feminine
Mystique about a gazillion years ago in high school and I found it very
interesting. I depart from her perspective on many levels, but she’s worth a
read. <b>One very dark irony of her book is
her cataloguing of the triviality of women’s magazines of her era.</b> She goes
through many of the popular rags and supplies their titles--trivial to say the
least. But I thought then—and even more now, “Has Betty checked out Cosmo or
Marie Claire or anything else lately?” Trivial is demeaning, but <b>I’ll take trivial over the demeaning,
hyper-sexualized and expensive stuff I see in most women’s magazines today</b>…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She makes some interesting
historical points as well, and one that stuck with me was her analysis of
female domesticity in her era and her comment (which I paraphrase, since my
google search didn’t bear fruit), <b>“Never
had so many been prepared so well to do so little.”</b> This was a comment on
a) the (high) level of education of women in her era and b) the relatively
little work they had to do, thanks to technological advances that made
housework a lot easier and the smaller families that women had also started to
have (relative, at least, to their mothers and grandmothers). I don’t know
about you, but I haven’t heard too many women of my acquaintance comment on how
little they have to do. Why is that, exactly? <b>What has changed to make women (assuming Friedan is right, at least, on
this point) of my era feel overwhelmed while Friedan felt decidedly
underwhelmed? <o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">It’s not an easy question to answer,
but I’d like to offer one, admittedly <i>very</i>
partial, answer, (avoiding all attempts at deep, serious, analysis for the
moment). <b>Laundry.</b> Seems crazy,
maybe, but I’m going to hazard that we do far too much of it. <b>We all seem to be constantly doing a load</b>.
A small thing, perhaps, but bigger than you might intially believe. Because
that simple load of laundry isn’t just a simple load. It’s collecting it,
sorting it (though you may have help on this front of the warm-blooded or
inanimate variety), washing it, drying it, folding it, and putting it away.
Adds up to a lot in my book. While I’m no spokeswoman for Cleaning Properly
(more on that later...), I did grow up in a home where laundry was an elevator
ride away and where quarters were necessary. With six kids. So I know a thing
or two about how tedious laundry can be. Having five kids myself, I know that
some kids get things really dirty really fast. But not every kid. And machine-washing
things too often messes with elastic, fades colors prematurely, and encourages pilling.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And if it helps convince you,
<b>Europeans do much less laundry than we do.</b> As an example, I have a (very clean) Western European girl living with me and
she’s done 3 loads of laundry total since she got here a month ago. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So let’s lighten the load, ladies,
and see if we can’t limit our laundry a little! Raise your glasses to liberation!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-27472559905379790152013-04-02T11:52:00.000-07:002013-04-02T11:52:43.418-07:00Into the tunnel (of love?!) <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/304x171/legacy/episode/b007jvgc.jpg?nodefault=true" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/304x171/legacy/episode/b007jvgc.jpg?nodefault=true" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br />
Last night I watched a BBC version
of 4:50 from Paddington—one of Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the key elements prodding the murderer
to his heinous acts was the desire to marry another woman and the fact that his
first wife (“being a very good Catholic”) would not accept divorce, despite a
long-term separation. Being quite familiar with Agatha Christie’s work—since I
read FAR too many of them in my youth and became convinced (well, sort of) that
my mother was trying to kill me-- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
always interested in the different spins that different directors give.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the original story, Miss Marple had been
quite harsh on the murderer (suggesting she was sorry that the death penalty
had been abolished since he deserved to hang). But in this version, Miss Marple
expresses her condolences to the intended second-wife, telling her that his
crime was one motivated by love. A curious and significant difference. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I
couldn’t help but think, though, about our understanding of love and divorce—particularly
as it affects the children of a marriage (which were not a factor in this
case). Recently, a friend remarked that in our national discussion regarding new
approaches to parenting, we had not really taken stock of the effects of
divorce on children. There was a lot of talk, 50 years ago, about how what was
best for adults was also best for kids. But that same consensus no longer
holds. These days, there’s general confusion on what’s best. It seems
impossible to deny that divorce is really hard on kids. At the same time, we
don’t want to ostracize or condemn divorcés, especially those who may be
experiencing very difficult and challenging circumstances and struggling
through them.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Nevertheless, I think we do a
disservice to everyone when we sugar-coat things or try to pretend that they
will be good because we want them to be. On this note, one of the most fascinating,
heart-wrenching, honest, poignant, painful memoirs I’ve ever read is Susan
Gregory Thomas’ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">In Spite of Everything</i>.
I think she overstates some of her points, but, overall, it’s a beautiful and
amazing account of the hazards of divorce, told from an intelligent, sensitive,
and open point of view. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Coincidentally,
a review of the literature on divorce I stumbled on about a year ago begins
with a review of this book: <a href="http://www.humanumreview.com/articles/view/children-of-divorce-an-overview-of-the-recent-literature">http://www.humanumreview.com/articles/view/children-of-divorce-an-overview-of-the-recent-literature</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Wherever we go from here—and however
we get there, I think we need to take stock of where we’ve been, and where we
are. We owe it to ourselves and to our kids. We need to take some good, long,
hard looks at our divorce culture. And if we don’t all agree on what we see, at
least we can begin by talking about something real. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-58372509495347835012013-04-01T11:56:00.002-07:002013-04-01T11:56:38.914-07:00The Stars (and Moon) Have Aligned: Passover, Easter, and Non-Original Thoughts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://nyackajco.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/meal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://nyackajco.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/meal.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember years ago, a Jewish friend saying that she was
always happy to welcome strangers at her Seder table but that it would be a
little awkward if they were Egyptian.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> I
suppose it might be tough to celebrate your victory over your oppressors with
the descendents of those oppressors, </b>but I would hope that after millennia,
modern-day Egyptians could just let bygones be bygones. At any rate, I know
that my school district (and many others!) were happy that Passover and Easter
coincided this year. I don’t know all the calculations in regards to lunar
calendars, but for whatever reason I know they don’t always overlap. But questions from my
children and the readings on Holy Thursday brought me to the question of their
original, biblical, convergence. In explaining why the Passover meal was supposed
to be eaten under such specific conditions, certain things really stood out to
me, worth remembering for both myself and my family. I claim no original
thoughts here, but the service of memory is always worthwhile.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">First, the idea that you
need to remember, decisively and collectively, the history of your people in
order to maintain your identity.</b> In speaking casually to a friend the other
day, he remarked on how we are culturally bereft on this point. While close and
happy families may reminisce on their “special<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>memories” we do not engage in this <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>on a more public or cultural level (or not
much, anyway).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yet, it is this awareness
of our past that reminds of who we are, and prevents external forces from
unsettling or uprooting us too easily. That recalling of history is such an elementary and essential part of the Seder meal and such a beautiful and useful thing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Second, the tradition
within Judaism to ask questions regarding the history of Passover and answer
them, with particular regard to educating children in their faith.</b>
Different strains of Jewish tradition handle this a little differently, but
many have a child answer questions: understanding what and why everyone is doing what they are is an essential part of the celebration. This natural incorporation of
education into an aesthetically beautiful and meaningful meal is striking; I
wish it came more naturally to us Christians.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Third, I was struck
this year by the (rather obvious, I confess) connection between Christ and the
Passover meal.</b> While the Passover meal is in commemoration and celebration
of the liberation out of<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Egypt, Abraham
is a clear reference point as the first patriarch of the Jewish faith. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s impossible to think of Abraham and eat
lamb without thinking of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son, Isaac. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But while Isaac was spared, Jesus was not. And
while the first-born sons of the Hebrew people were spared, Jesus was not.
Thus, <b>Christ takes part in both the liberation of the Hebrew people and the (necessary) suffering of the Egyptians. </b>There is no people’s suffering that He doesn’t,
mysteriously, take part of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So too, I
was struck by God’s insisting that the Jewish people remember annually their
being freed by their Lord—that it was not their own doing that got them out of
Egypt. And God knows we Christians certainly didn’t do anything to release ourselves from our slavery
to sin. (Some people may kid themselves, but I know I would have been asleep
before even the other apostles…)</div>
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<br /></div>
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So Happy Easter! Consider yourself liberated—wherever you’re
from!</div>
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<![endif]--><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-6350864901223588832013-03-05T07:00:00.001-08:002013-03-06T11:29:39.554-08:00Lowest-Common-Denominator Culture? Hypocrisy, Parenting, and Hope<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT8lyleKdqMJbV8hoSvdFTa9N_mP1PAMSctYYmyOku9JY31OJUc" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT8lyleKdqMJbV8hoSvdFTa9N_mP1PAMSctYYmyOku9JY31OJUc" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Your
dad caught you smokin’ and he said “No way”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">But
that hypocrite smokes two packs a day<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Beastie Boys
“Fight For Your Right (To Party)” <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Hypocrisy
is the homage that vice pays to virtue<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="background: #FBFBFB; color: windowtext; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><a href="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/f/francois_de_la_rochefouca.html"><b>Francois de La Rochefoucauld</b></a></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 12.25pt; margin-bottom: 6.8pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">[Jane confronts Nick upon discovering that Nick has slept with a girl he previously referred to as a slut)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 12.25pt; margin-bottom: 6.8pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Nick: Yes, but a very
attractive slut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 12.25pt; margin-bottom: 6.8pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Jane: So, you're just another hypocrite.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 12.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Nick:
<strong><span style="border: 1pt none windowtext; font-weight: normal; padding: 0in;">That's not hypocrisy. It's sin.</span></strong></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 12.25pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<strong><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; padding: 0in;">Metropolitan</span></strong><strong><span style="border: none windowtext 1.0pt; color: #333333; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-weight: normal; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-border-alt: none windowtext 0in; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin; padding: 0in;"> (film)</span></strong><b><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> Not so long ago, a young friend
with a baby girl lamented some of the limitations on the way she was raising
her daughter. She wanted to raise her with a better morality and spirituality
than she felt capable of. I understand that concern, and I often share it. I
think it’s one of the most inspiring parts of parenthood, honestly. It makes
you want to be a better man/woman/what have you. And it can really lead you
down a better path, as was the case for my own parents many others. But I worry sometimes that people
occasionally forgo that path because they are afraid of being called
hypocrites. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> Seems like I’m always hearing a
lot about hypocrisy. Sure hypocrisy is bad, and I don’t advocate it (as they
say, do what I say, not what I do….) But that’s just it—all too often, the
accusation of hypocrisy is just a cover. Back when I was teaching and this
would come up (as it almost inevitably did) I would point out that the easiest
way to avoid the charge of hypocrisy is to lower your standards. If you don’t
think anything is wrong (or claim that anyway, ‘cause it’s always just a line),
then no one can accuse you of hypocrisy. But is that really better for anyone? All
too often, we use the charge of hypocrite to annihilate any standards—especially
standards we don’t share. You say you believe in kindness? But you’re not kind.
Hypocrite. Buh-bye kindness. But is this the world we want to live in? There is
a big difference between hypocrisy and frailty.
I’ll take a world of so-called hypocrites who are really just fallen
people failing the standards they truly believe in any day. Just please don’t
give me a world of people who are oh-so-consistent with the utter degradation
they preach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"> Let’s go ahead and face our fear
of hypocrisy--which is really just a
fear of failure—a failure which our enemies will insist on using against us. Hypocrisy
is real. But it isn’t cured by lowering standards, but by true compassion. For
others and ourselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-62512002757919977572013-01-31T06:55:00.002-08:002013-01-31T11:03:11.842-08:00Three Marriages and a Movie Rec<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I’m sure I’ve mentioned that there is a long history of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">reverse psychology</b> in my family. My
favorite example is when my sister Jessica, disturbed by the fact that my mother’s
fifth child was a boy (despite Jessica’s ardent prayers), decided to try a
little reverse psychology on the Man Upstairs. And, Lo and Behold, it worked!
My sister Anna, #6, was a girl! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Little Anna got married a few weeks ago. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Seeing young love is a beautiful thing and
the desire to see that love endure brings me to some serious reflections,
coupled with the fact that divorce has been on my mind a lot lately.</b> (No,
this is not a confession—it’s not on my “to do” list). But a couple in my
parish is getting divorced, and because they live in a rather tight-knit
neighborhood, their difficulties are felt by many. So is an old friend, whose
wife left him and their three kids. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Said
old friend’s brother, in discussing the situation, noted “Marriage is hard.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it is—but it’s also beautiful, a fact
which gets obscured too easily when things are hard.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A few months ago, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Colin
and I randomly watched a movie on TV. Not sure how we chose it—but it ended up
being surprisingly good. It was called A Boyfriend for My Wife and it was made
in Argentina</b> (Un novio para mi mujer, 2008). The premise is that a man is
married to an uber-crabby woman. He wants to separate, but never seems to find a
good moment. So a friends suggests that he get his wife to leave him by hiring
a famous local seducer. And the rest follows…somewhat predictably but not
entirely. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently realized that it’s a really good
example of some of the strategies Michelle Weiner Davis suggests in her book <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Divorce Busting</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Reading the Heath Brothers’stuff (the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">excellent <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Made to Stick</i> and
then the even-better <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Switch</i>)</b> led
me to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">their</i> recommended books,
including Weiner-Davis’. Her approach is useful for anyone who ever feels stuck
in patterns of behavior with a spouse—though I could see her principles
applying really well to child-rearing as well. (Full disclosure note: I covered
this with my daughter’s book-sock while reading at the gym. Didn’t want to
raise too many eyebrows…)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Basically, she takes
a very practical, not-particularly-Freudian model to addressing marriage
problems. Low on analysis, high on the outcome-focus</b>. What do you want from
your spouse? Vague things like “she will be more affectionate” or “he will be
more sensitive?” won’t cut it. You need to get specific: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“She will kiss me when I come home from work”
or “He will ask me how I’m feeling.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weiner-Davis is all the more persuasive (to me,
anyway) because she started off with a pro-divorce position but saw so many
people dealing with the same issues, plus new ones, after they got divorced
that she changed her view. She now thinks that the vast majority of marriages
can be saved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Among her genius approaches:
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>1) YOU can do something about the difficulties in your marriage –you don’t need
to wait for your spouse, who may not see the problem or the need to change </strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>2) Marriage
is like a see-saw. So where one person pushes, another backs off. Lessening
your pushing or pulling can make a huge difference. </strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>3) If what you’re doing now
doesn’t work, try something new! Amazing how often we realize some approach
doesn’t work…but keep on doing it anyway. Switch it up!</strong> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, in essence, I highly recommend her book. Quick, easy
read!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And if you’re feeling too tired to read, try watching that
Argentine movie. Pretty good, even if there are subtitles. </span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3261582100339068903.post-15107981391314032342012-12-07T13:05:00.004-08:002012-12-07T13:05:45.533-08:00<br />
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7 quick takes Friday</div>
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<o:p> 1. </o:p><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">One of the saddest things in the world is </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">making delicious high calorie food and then
burning it</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">. </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">On the one hand, you
have spent money and time on this creation. On the other, what is the point of
consuming bad-for-you-food when it doesn’t taste good. A cruel conundrum. This
is why I recommend vigilance. And am also considering getting new baking
sheets.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">2. </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">As I
remember every year, gift giving is an art—not a science.</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> Which is why someone,
in suggesting to a friend what to get for her spoiled child (this is a purely
fictional scenario) might write “cool binky.” Which could translate into this gift
(already sold out on some websites): http://www.perpetualkid.com/moustache-pacifier.aspx</span></div>
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Or this creepfest: <a href="http://www.perpetualkid.com/little-vampire-pacifier.aspx">http://www.perpetualkid.com/little-vampire-pacifier.aspx</a></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">3. It was so funny seeing Jen Fulwiler’s mention of
how she gets into Christmas cards. See: http</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">://www.conversiondiary.com/index.php?s=Christmas+cards Funny because I love Jen and she’s brilliant
and we have so much in common but </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Christmas
cards are the absolute bane of my existence because:</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->a)<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->They come at a really busy time of year.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]-->b)<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->They come at the end of the semester (this is
mostly a problem when I’m teaching…)</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->c)<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I never know who exactly to send them to (I
mean, people who live far away ‘need’ them most since we don’t have much
contact. But then do I NOT send them to close-by friends?</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->d)<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->I’m never sure what to write (I always want to
write more but don’t have the time and not sure what to say and not up for
sending a full family report every year…).</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->e)<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->My mother never sent any.</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->f)<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->My father only sent a few, almost all of which he
sent after Christmas, only to a few family members.</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]-->g)<span style="font-size: 7pt;">
</span><!--[endif]-->My husband sends them nice and early to all the
people on HIS side. </div>
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Can you tell I could go on? But I’ll stop here. I’m open to being
convinced—and to changing.</div>
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<o:p> </o:p></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">4. My husband and I went on a </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>Downton Abbey</i></b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> watching
fest a couple of weeks ago. It’s a really extraordinary series (we’ve finished
the first two seasons). Most dramas seem to be about a person, a family, a
company, a group—you name it—crashing and burning. It can be slow (better
drama) or fast—but when there’s drama, it’s usually bad. (Think The Godfather,
Mad Men, The Shield, etc.) </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">One of the
thing I love about Downton is that there’s plenty of drama—but there’s also
plenty of good. And good people.</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> And the drama comes mostly from good but
imperfect people facing complicated circumstances and figuring out what to do.</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">5. I
committed to doing this blog knowing that I’d have to be patient with a super
slow, erratic speed. </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">But I disappointed
even my own personal low standard when I failed to blog at all last month</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">
(and I’m not working outside the home right now). There are boring reasons for
that but </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">the interesting reason is that
I am reading these books by the Heath brothers</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> and absolutely loving them
so I don’t want to slow down to write them. Highly recommend. </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i>Made
to Stick</i> is great but <i>Switch</i> is
even better. Read them now.</b></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><b>6. </b>Inspired
by many things—</span><i style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Switch</i><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> among them—</span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I decided to commit to daily mass during
Advent</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">this year</b><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">. Amazing what a
difference one thing can make (like making your bed, only better). There were a
lot of reasons why I didn’t go before (two small, unruly children among them). </span><b style="text-indent: -0.25in;">But everything is more ordered—internally and
externally—now that I’ve started going. Wow.</b></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">7. My daughter—a bright, energetic girl, really!—recently
had a homework assigned where they were asked to identify “factual” sentences
and distinguish them from persuasive ones. At the end they were asked to write
a sentence “<b>trying to convince others to agree with you about something that is
important to you.”</b> Here is what she wrote (sorry, didn't have time to scan it in her 9-year old writing): </span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><b>Chickens are pests.</b></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> I laughed so hard I cried. And then
she laughed with me. <b>Good to instill a good sense of self-mockery in your
children from an early age. Serves us all well throughout our lives.</b></span></div>
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